Don't you send me to vm
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
