He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
