i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
