Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
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You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
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Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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