my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
