Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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