I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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