They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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