Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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