Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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