I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
