dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
