Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
