Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
