he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
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He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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