Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
only if we run a train.
done.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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