I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
