Pappa wants mamma naked
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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