god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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