theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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