It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
