Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
