This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
