I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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