I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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