I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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