I didn't shave. On purpose
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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