Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
