my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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