ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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