she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
