Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
