he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
