Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
