Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
