Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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