You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
