I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
