Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
