tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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