my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
