Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
