Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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