I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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