Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
