My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
