yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
