1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
