So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
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today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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