I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
