just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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