You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
